சுய பரிசோதனை

      Don’t play the victim card . This I have started telling myself only  recently. Always finding myself down on my luck. Something or the other to hamper my best laid plans. Someone taking pot shots at me. I take 2 steps forward and sure as not I am pushed 5 steps back. 

       Yes I had very real grouses and imagined ones too . Come Corona I have realised that I am so much better off than most people. Food on my table. Means to get things done. Look at the crores of people who have nothing. Thank you God for keeping me safe and in a better place. 

         I have already controlled my anger. Now my anger just fizzles out and I can make people more comfortable. 

        Let me take you through the ugly  side of my profile. 

  

         Procrastination. It will take me weeks to do a thing. I may make a list of jobs to be done , but rarely can I tick off everything at once. Mid August I got my Bank statements and certificates. I am not an Ambani . It will take me hardly 25 minutes to get things ready to send to my auditor . Only it took me  more than 2 weeks to send that email. How did I work for 35 years in a bank . Was I always so? 

         Easily manipulated. Yes that is me. I can even read the thoughts that go behind the words and yet I will let myself be manipulated. Go out of my way to get into a bad situation. Get the bad name while the other person escapes

        Never telling a person to the face that I feel hurt by their words.  I will put on a stoic demeanour. Do I require to be that goody goody person at the cost of my mental anguish. 

        Never bother when someone plays down my role and hogs all credit. My line would be , but I know the truth. So what . Then sit at home and feel sorry for myself. 

         Some small good luck or a win , and I will talk about it again and again and force that drishti to turn towards me . 

          Contrariness. One second I will give some instructions and then  forget what I said earlier add something more . Give fresh instructions and in short 

confuse everyone. 

          

          

           A stupid person? A push over ? I don’t know. Only nothing touches my heart . Nothing takes root. Within a matter of seconds I will bounce back as if nothing has happened. Meet the same people and talk in a friendly manner and go out of my way to do some good.